Hey Everyone!

So it’s been another hot minute since I’ve been on here!

It took sometime but I’m back and pretty ready to just talk and rant on here.

But here’s a quick life update on myself:

  1. I FINALLY graduate university! Man oh man, you have no idea how excited, scared, and pretty happy I am that I finally have a degree and officially in loans. But seriously though it’s been a little over a month since I walked across maybe the final stage and still have no idea HOW IN THE WORLD THE SCHOOL LET ME EARN A DEGREE! I still have no idea how to adult just yet.
  2. I officially let myself know my worth and to not let people walk over me. It took me awhile and quite a sad act to just think about but I did it people! I finally know what my worth it and I’m good just being me and trying to hustle and be in the financial bracket that I strive to be in.
  3. I’ve been able to handle 3 jobs over the semester and I just got a new one! I’m really excited for this position and even though it’s not guaranteed over the summer, after two weeks I realized that having multiple jobs including this one isn’t cutting it. So after careful consideration, I’ve decided to leave all my other jobs except for one (that’s gig based) and decided to take the risk and continue with this new job.

I honestly feel like there’s more going on but honestly probably not. I’ve been really tired and all my days have been meshing together but that’s what having a job and it being summer is like right?

But for right now, I think that’s about it. Thanks for reading and I’ll be back soon.

Cheers.

You.

Why.

Why you.

Why did I fall for you?

You broke my heart.

And while you did that, you’re probably living life normally as if I never existed.

Which is fine. Life goes on. You move on. I move on.

But right now. I still don’t like you. I want to hate you but I can’t.

Because I still feel for you. Even though I don’t want to anymore.

I have so much hatred for you and as much as I want to say “I hate you,” I can’t.

The only thing I can do is be happy for you in your little life accomplishments because I care for you.

Even though I don’t want to have any feelings towards you.

I can’t hate you.

 

 

Hello, It’s Me

It’s the day something is due for school but it’s due at 11:59pm so I still have time.

But let me tell you all about the time when I started catching feelings for someone.

This someone is great, this someone is the person I previously mentioned if anyone has read this page. But if not, it’s completely fine. Things were going great and then the next thing I know, he stops talking.

Now before I continue, you might already be thinking “Karen, he’s busy, he has his life, you two aren’t together, don’t get into your head.” So in lieu of preventing that, this is why I’m writing this to get it out of my head and pretend everything is okay.

But how can a person go from texting you back almost immediately and then taking hours to reply back. So before I could even cling myself to him, I semi-stopped replying back or sending anything aka hope he makes the move and texts me back. It’s just so strange to me. I’m not trying to put this guy on a pedestal but I really thought he liked even when he told me he did. So I just don’t get it.

It’s weird, it’s been about a week since I realized his pattern and I’m already coming to the conclusion, that he doesn’t want to continue this, he might like someone else, or that he is genuinely busy. Which most likely it is and I’m getting too much into my head because I don’t think I had a guy ever like me before.

I’m already at the point where, it would hurt if he doesnt talk to me anymore but I’m already letting it go because we weren’t together.

After 4 hours of telling myself I need to finish up my powerpoint lectures form my online class, I’m ready to do it.

Cheers.

 

Storytime

So I’m in the middle of my Stress Management class going over the powerpoints and for some reason I decided to tell a story that happened to me that’s been bothering me or maybe I’m just being a little petty about it.

Backstory: I’m the type of girl, that literally has no idea how to put makeup on either than mascara and eyeliner, maybe some cute dark matte lipstick because why the hell not. Well my sister had recently gifted me the world of highlight. So I’ve been trying to highlight my cheekbones because once again, why the hell not?

One morning, I had just gotten back from the gym, so I’m feeling good about myself, I’m freshly showered, I’m literally feeling brand new. I decide to try on some highlighter on my cheeks because I wanted to just highlight how cute they are. At this point, I’m basically done in 15 minutes because once again mascara and eyeliner and I’m out.

So I’m at work, having a great time, the sun is hitting me right and I’m packing up to leave and this girl looks at me and asked if I was wearing highlighter and I told her yes. Then she had the audacity to ask me why only because we were inside for a good few hours.

For some reason I had no idea how to respond because I’m over here thinking, that she was going to compliment me but all of a sudden, I got asked why. There was no reason as to why, either than that I was feeling myself and that rarely happens to me.

I don’t know if it’s just me but it was literally just a slap in the face and then she went on about how she doesn’t put on highlight because blah blah blah. But all I could think about was that I wasn’t here to impress you, I was here to impress myself, so if I wanted to highlight my cheeks I’ll highlight them any day I want.

But I feel like she didn’t mean it in a mean way, but how she asked and her tone just took me back but that’s all to my story. I just want to say is never ask anyone why they have something on. If anything, just compliment them and be on your way.

Thanks for listening. Back to my powerpoint lectures.

Cheers. X

An Exercise

So I’m in the middle of a lecture online and my professor was talking about how she would make her students write a journal about what is stressing them and then she would grab the trash bin and have them throw it away. I thought I would try it out on here because I’m too lazy to get up and grab a piece of paper.

What’s stressing me out. Literally the fact that whenever I’m finally in a good place, I mess myself over and start feeling insecure about myself/ I start to think about the good things as to why I’m in a good place but that stresses me out even more because I can’t think of those reasons. I hate how insecure I am with myself whenever I’m talking to a boy who I can see myself with for the time being and when I think things are okay, they aren’t. I hate that I keep blaming myself that it’s something I did wrong and no matter how many times my friends and people around tell me it’s not, I can’t believe them.

What stresses me out is the fact that being in a good place isn’t enough. I pretend that I don’t want anything serious and when something bad happens between us I can’t get mad because we’re not together. I hate that I want to ask where things are going but try my best to fight that because I don’t want them to leave because I like their company. I hate that this has become a stressor for me. I hate that I think I’m forcing something to happen when I can’t even read them.

What stresses me out is that I don’t want to say anything to anyone because I know I’m going to be judged for it or be put down. I try and bite my tongue because even if I try talking to one of my housemates, they makes things worse by calling me “stupid” or “dumb” because of whatever reason. Just because they’re “boy problems.” I get that I put myself in the situation but I’m trying to get myself out and I just want your help to get me out.

What stresses me out is that I literally cannot focus on anything anymore no matter how hard I try. Like how did this all of a sudden become so difficult. Why did I become like this and why am I making a path that is only made whenever I have validation. Why do I have to feel validated all the time? I honestly feel like at this point my main existence is feel validated but what kind of life is that?!

What stresses me out is every little thing sometimes gets to me.

What doesn’t stress me out is that whenever I think that I don’t need them in my life, for a few hours I really do believe that I don’t. And I know I don’t I’m still coming to terms with that. But that’s still a process.

If you’re still reading this, I swear I’m crazy. I just fell too hard too quick for someone that didn’t want me even though I wanted them and I think I’m falling for someone that I have no idea what their intentions are. I know that can be easily fixed but I just want them to tell me, I don’t want to force it out of them.

Anyways, thanks for reading.

Cheers. X

New Year, Same Me

So obviously it’s been a good, hot second since I’ve posted on here. I hope everyone is aware that it is the new year and so far I’m pretty okay everything. Also, it’s four days until everyone’s lives will starting going downhill from there.

But here’s a little catchup on my life. Everything is great. I have 3 paying jobs and starting my final semester at university on the 23rd and I’m excited yet terrified. I’m also starting my internship that day so we’ll see if I’ll get academic credit that will determine if it’s my final semester. Here’s hoping that it is. As much s I love school, I’m ready to start getting my life in order.

It might be a little too early to say this but I’m happy where I am and who I am at this point. If you asked me if I was happy 5 years ago, it would’ve been a way different answer. But like I said, it’s still too early.

As for boys, let’s just say I let the one that made me so insecure about myself officially go, even though I tried holding on. I’m still insecure about myself as it is, so I don’t need someone else to do that for me and makes me question if I’m good enough. I’m not in any serious relationship or relationship in general but so far, I’m spending time with someone that I enjoy their company. Even though, I can be comfortable with anyone and be myself. This one let’s me embrace my weirdness and even to this day, I can’t believe that he likes spending time with me too. Or so I think. But whether or not this one wants to stay in my life for the time being, again, it’s still too early to tell. But I wouldn’t mind spending time with him, even if it’s just for a little while longer.

I might be stressed and I might go crazy sometimes but even though it’s just sixteen days into the New Year, I’m still me but I’m in a good place right now. Hopefully the good place expands even more.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Being Annoyed

I think the one thing I don’t like about talking to people that could lead to something more, is that if they ignore you or if they do something I can’t be mad. The fact that I can’t be mad just annoys me. But at the same time why am I getting mad over someone that might not even be with me.

Also, I don’t like when I have no idea what their intentions are like are you going to just sleep with more or is this going to lead into a relationship. Like WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I honestly don’t care what the answer is, I just want to know. Even if I tried asking and I’m left confused because the question wasn’t answered.

Another thing, why is “ghosting” a thing? Sometimes I think things are going great and then one day there is no reply and that reply never comes. I just don’t understand what is going through the other person’s mind. But I hate that people ghost other people. I’m a big girl, if you don’t want to talk to me anymore then that’s perfectly fine. Tell me and I won’t stop talking to you. In the end I don’t want to look like an idiot trying to get someone’s attention who doesn’t want it.

Literally the only thing I can feel with this guys is annoyed. I get it, honesty can hurt but I would rather know than be left in the dark. I just think that the number one thing is that if I’m going to be ignored, tell me that I’m being ignored and I’ll stop.

Okay. That’s all I have. It’s almost 7am, I have a final to study for later on tonight. I just needed to get this out of my head. Also, fun fact, it’s the last week of Fall semester of my undergraduate career.

Cheers.

Home for the break

For the first time in months I finally returned home to Palm Springs. I finally get to see my puppy and just honestly be able to relax for a little bit.

I honestly wasn’t expecting for anything to happen because whenever I go home nothing happens.

Well the one time I decide to go home, all of a sudden every guy wants to hit me up. Now I’m not saying I sleep around or even do it that often. But it’s like something about a week off from school, everyone suddenly becomes free. Luckily because sex isn’t a priority in my life, it’s nice just have them wanting more.

I’m not one to play games but sometimes it’s nice when the tables are turned. I’m not saying that I’m like drop dead gorgeous or anything but it’s nice to have a little attention, even though i don’t need any validation from no  man.

Anyways, aside from that happening, I got an internship for spring semester and I’m so excited to start. This officially mean I’m graduating in May and literally nothing can stop me, aside of me passing my classes. But what can go wrong? I also, officially have 3 jobs as for last friday and I’m ecstatic because it’s something different than what I’m used to and I cannot wait to continue.

Hope everyone is being safe and spending quality time with family. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Until next time.

 

Boys, are they complicated or do girls overthink too much?

After applying to another internship, this is my prolonged break from starting my next cover letter.

So the last few weeks, I’ve been having the same conversations with a few of my girlfriends about this question. When talking to a new guy conversations going great and you think it’s going somewhere but then they don’t text as much as they used to and they start feeling distant and then I have this mentality they they don’t feel the same anymore, which is fine. But my main problem with is why can’t they just tell me.

I get it not everyone is going to like me but I mean have the decency to tell me that this isn’t going to continue on. I hate being left in the dark. Like I can put my big girl pants and take it, like it’s fine.

Whenever my best friend and I try to overanalyze texts, I realize we are going crazy just by what’s happening. I never imagined myself being in this position. Going crazy over a boy, who I know that nothing is going to anywhere and then trying to figure out what more they’re trying to say between the lines.

But at the same time, I don’t understand why guys just don’t tell us what they’re thinking.  We’re not mind readers!

I had a conversation the other day with a guy co-worker of mine and it made me realize that maybe girls are just overthinking everything.  He was telling me a story about how a good friend of his asked him out, he agreed but the girl was confused as to why he didn’t text her when it got closer to the day. She was a bit mad because he didn’t keep texting her about their date. But in his perspective, he was waiting on a text from her for the date considering she was the one who asked, he assumed she was planning the date. So it kind of makes sense as to why he didn’t text back. It seemed fair that because she asked, she was the one planning it.

Why can’t this whole dating and boys be an easy thing. Like can I just skip all of this complicated, vague ‘what are we’ shit. I don’t need a boyfriend, but it would be nice to have someone by my side.

Okay. I think I’m good for now. Now back to me trying not to drive myself insane with this boy thing and go back to applying for more things.

I mean if whoever reads this have any opinions, comment below. I would love to know other people’s take.

Cheers.