An Exercise

So I’m in the middle of a lecture online and my professor was talking about how she would make her students write a journal about what is stressing them and then she would grab the trash bin and have them throw it away. I thought I would try it out on here because I’m too lazy to get up and grab a piece of paper.

What’s stressing me out. Literally the fact that whenever I’m finally in a good place, I mess myself over and start feeling insecure about myself/ I start to think about the good things as to why I’m in a good place but that stresses me out even more because I can’t think of those reasons. I hate how insecure I am with myself whenever I’m talking to a boy who I can see myself with for the time being and when I think things are okay, they aren’t. I hate that I keep blaming myself that it’s something I did wrong and no matter how many times my friends and people around tell me it’s not, I can’t believe them.

What stresses me out is the fact that being in a good place isn’t enough. I pretend that I don’t want anything serious and when something bad happens between us I can’t get mad because we’re not together. I hate that I want to ask where things are going but try my best to fight that because I don’t want them to leave because I like their company. I hate that this has become a stressor for me. I hate that I think I’m forcing something to happen when I can’t even read them.

What stresses me out is that I don’t want to say anything to anyone because I know I’m going to be judged for it or be put down. I try and bite my tongue because even if I try talking to one of my housemates, they makes things worse by calling me “stupid” or “dumb” because of whatever reason. Just because they’re “boy problems.” I get that I put myself in the situation but I’m trying to get myself out and I just want your help to get me out.

What stresses me out is that I literally cannot focus on anything anymore no matter how hard I try. Like how did this all of a sudden become so difficult. Why did I become like this and why am I making a path that is only made whenever I have validation. Why do I have to feel validated all the time? I honestly feel like at this point my main existence is feel validated but what kind of life is that?!

What stresses me out is every little thing sometimes gets to me.

What doesn’t stress me out is that whenever I think that I don’t need them in my life, for a few hours I really do believe that I don’t. And I know I don’t I’m still coming to terms with that. But that’s still a process.

If you’re still reading this, I swear I’m crazy. I just fell too hard too quick for someone that didn’t want me even though I wanted them and I think I’m falling for someone that I have no idea what their intentions are. I know that can be easily fixed but I just want them to tell me, I don’t want to force it out of them.

Anyways, thanks for reading.

Cheers. X

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