Hello, It’s Me

It’s the day something is due for school but it’s due at 11:59pm so I still have time.

But let me tell you all about the time when I started catching feelings for someone.

This someone is great, this someone is the person I previously mentioned if anyone has read this page. But if not, it’s completely fine. Things were going great and then the next thing I know, he stops talking.

Now before I continue, you might already be thinking “Karen, he’s busy, he has his life, you two aren’t together, don’t get into your head.” So in lieu of preventing that, this is why I’m writing this to get it out of my head and pretend everything is okay.

But how can a person go from texting you back almost immediately and then taking hours to reply back. So before I could even cling myself to him, I semi-stopped replying back or sending anything aka hope he makes the move and texts me back. It’s just so strange to me. I’m not trying to put this guy on a pedestal but I really thought he liked even when he told me he did. So I just don’t get it.

It’s weird, it’s been about a week since I realized his pattern and I’m already coming to the conclusion, that he doesn’t want to continue this, he might like someone else, or that he is genuinely busy. Which most likely it is and I’m getting too much into my head because I don’t think I had a guy ever like me before.

I’m already at the point where, it would hurt if he doesnt talk to me anymore but I’m already letting it go because we weren’t together.

After 4 hours of telling myself I need to finish up my powerpoint lectures form my online class, I’m ready to do it.

Cheers.

 

Storytime

So I’m in the middle of my Stress Management class going over the powerpoints and for some reason I decided to tell a story that happened to me that’s been bothering me or maybe I’m just being a little petty about it.

Backstory: I’m the type of girl, that literally has no idea how to put makeup on either than mascara and eyeliner, maybe some cute dark matte lipstick because why the hell not. Well my sister had recently gifted me the world of highlight. So I’ve been trying to highlight my cheekbones because once again, why the hell not?

One morning, I had just gotten back from the gym, so I’m feeling good about myself, I’m freshly showered, I’m literally feeling brand new. I decide to try on some highlighter on my cheeks because I wanted to just highlight how cute they are. At this point, I’m basically done in 15 minutes because once again mascara and eyeliner and I’m out.

So I’m at work, having a great time, the sun is hitting me right and I’m packing up to leave and this girl looks at me and asked if I was wearing highlighter and I told her yes. Then she had the audacity to ask me why only because we were inside for a good few hours.

For some reason I had no idea how to respond because I’m over here thinking, that she was going to compliment me but all of a sudden, I got asked why. There was no reason as to why, either than that I was feeling myself and that rarely happens to me.

I don’t know if it’s just me but it was literally just a slap in the face and then she went on about how she doesn’t put on highlight because blah blah blah. But all I could think about was that I wasn’t here to impress you, I was here to impress myself, so if I wanted to highlight my cheeks I’ll highlight them any day I want.

But I feel like she didn’t mean it in a mean way, but how she asked and her tone just took me back but that’s all to my story. I just want to say is never ask anyone why they have something on. If anything, just compliment them and be on your way.

Thanks for listening. Back to my powerpoint lectures.

Cheers. X

An Exercise

So I’m in the middle of a lecture online and my professor was talking about how she would make her students write a journal about what is stressing them and then she would grab the trash bin and have them throw it away. I thought I would try it out on here because I’m too lazy to get up and grab a piece of paper.

What’s stressing me out. Literally the fact that whenever I’m finally in a good place, I mess myself over and start feeling insecure about myself/ I start to think about the good things as to why I’m in a good place but that stresses me out even more because I can’t think of those reasons. I hate how insecure I am with myself whenever I’m talking to a boy who I can see myself with for the time being and when I think things are okay, they aren’t. I hate that I keep blaming myself that it’s something I did wrong and no matter how many times my friends and people around tell me it’s not, I can’t believe them.

What stresses me out is the fact that being in a good place isn’t enough. I pretend that I don’t want anything serious and when something bad happens between us I can’t get mad because we’re not together. I hate that I want to ask where things are going but try my best to fight that because I don’t want them to leave because I like their company. I hate that this has become a stressor for me. I hate that I think I’m forcing something to happen when I can’t even read them.

What stresses me out is that I don’t want to say anything to anyone because I know I’m going to be judged for it or be put down. I try and bite my tongue because even if I try talking to one of my housemates, they makes things worse by calling me “stupid” or “dumb” because of whatever reason. Just because they’re “boy problems.” I get that I put myself in the situation but I’m trying to get myself out and I just want your help to get me out.

What stresses me out is that I literally cannot focus on anything anymore no matter how hard I try. Like how did this all of a sudden become so difficult. Why did I become like this and why am I making a path that is only made whenever I have validation. Why do I have to feel validated all the time? I honestly feel like at this point my main existence is feel validated but what kind of life is that?!

What stresses me out is every little thing sometimes gets to me.

What doesn’t stress me out is that whenever I think that I don’t need them in my life, for a few hours I really do believe that I don’t. And I know I don’t I’m still coming to terms with that. But that’s still a process.

If you’re still reading this, I swear I’m crazy. I just fell too hard too quick for someone that didn’t want me even though I wanted them and I think I’m falling for someone that I have no idea what their intentions are. I know that can be easily fixed but I just want them to tell me, I don’t want to force it out of them.

Anyways, thanks for reading.

Cheers. X